Thursday, September 06, 2007

Why.............?

I had a rough summer. I dealt with a lot of personal struggles, mostly emotional and spiritual. There were days when I struggled to get out of bed or just do something. It wasn't anything MAJOR, but I learned SO much. I am probably going to take two posts to get it all out.

This first post comes from my journal on July 28. It is never easy for me to share myself like this, but I want to share what the Lord taught me through my summer. In order to do that, you need to know where it all began....

7-28-07
Why? I'm so tired of this life! I'm tired of not liking myself. I'm tired of allowing satan to get me where it hurts. I'm tired of not knowing what I want to do or why God has placed burning desires in my heart and then felling like I'm on my own to sort out EVERYTHING. I want to focus everything on serving Him, but I feel torn in so many directions and I don't know where to go first.

So.......I do nothing. And I HATE it and I'm ashamed to call myself a Christian. What about my life says, "That girl is in love with something amazing!" or "She has got it" - and wonder what IT is? Why? Why? Why? I just want to run and get AWAY from everything and everyone and be me with no single thing to distract me except a burning desire and passion for my LORD and SAVIOR. I want to be overwhelmed by Christ and the love He has for me. I want to be out of control about God - can't contain it! How do I get there? What does that look like for my life? Is it ever going to fully happen on this earth, in this life? I so want to hope that it will, but is seems like a lost hope - worthless. Do I really believe that the God I have grown to love, that I claim to serve......do I believe that He is the I AM? Sometimes I seriously don't know what I'm doing, what I'm believing. Ahhh!


I don't doubt that I am not the only person in the world to feel this way. Know that you are not alone if you have felt this way. I guess that's why I posted this - to remind myself and anyone who reads this that we don't have to go through life alone. Christ is there.....ALWAYS.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

6 comments:

Jess said...

Wow Dina...wow!!! I am so proud to call you a true friend! How amazing you are to be so honest and to help us all realize that even Christian's have hard times! But, you always rely on God and He always pulls you through! He does have fantabulous things planned for you and even though you may feel frustrated and lost at times, only God knows the whole plan and can see the whole picture. Thank you so very much for sharing this with all of us!! Love ya tons!!

jenn said...

i just love how honest you are dina! i had some idea of how much you struggled, but learned more in this post. for you to have the desire to be such a Christ follower, to be focused on Him without distractions is what we should all strive for. to see you striving for that, yet dealing with all that is thrown at you, is still very encouraging. because i know through it all, your heart is still focused on the only One who matters. love ya lots...m.e.

Niki G said...

I came across your blog from Darcy's page.....I went to Purdue with her.....can I please say thank you so much for writing that and sharing your personal journal!! When I read this post it made me feel like you took a page out of my prayer journal and wrote it out! Thank you for helping me not feel so "alone"!!!

Dina said...

Niki - No problem. I just want to be real and honest and get God into the world. Thanks for reading and commenting. God bless!

Darcy said...

I am so happy Niki found your blog! This blog thing rocks in so many ways.

I love you Dina. I have felt those exact same feelings so many times. And I am so proud of you for letting us all in on your personal journey. I love ya!!!

Nichole said...

Hey dina,
it has been a long time.
you amaze me always on how real you are and how you are willing to share to help others.

you rock