Blessed

I'm sitting in my house. I traveled to 4 colleges this weekend to visit some students. I have an amazing family. I have a job that I LOVE going to each and every day. I have friends that make my heart happy. I am loved and never doubt that.

I am serving a God who thinks I am beautiful and challenges me more and more every day that I live. He has been blessing me with encouraging words and love that I can't comprehend. He is always ready to take this relationship to the next level.

I am just getting another glimpse into the blessings that I have in my life.

And I am so thankful for them....

Texas, roller coaster ride, blessings, coffee

WARNING: This post may contain some incredibly random thoughts. The author claims ZERO responsibility for your thoughts going all over the map as you read this. If you feel ill from jumping topics too often, STOP, walk away from your computer, and return after a break. Once done reading, relax for a while. Kick your feet up and thank God for who HE is and what He has done for you.

So many things to include in this post, but I want to get it all out. I am currently in College Station, TX. It is home to Texas A&M, cowboys, over-sized trucks, and my dear friend AJ. The weather is amazing - 77 degrees, partly sunny, slight breeze, and the trees are still green. I have heard some of the thickest accents and witnessed one of the most ridiculous college sport training facilities ever!

I even went on a roller coaster ride, not a literal one but an emotional one. How do I describe this......? AJ is a very intentional person. She thinks deeply. She invests in relationships. She is going to throw Jesus in your face whether you are ready for it or not. She is going to challenge you and your relationship with Christ. She will call you out on ANYTHING that may be out of line of the way a Christ-follower should live. Hence the roller coaster ride. She had me read "Now and Not Yet" a great, great, great book about living as a single woman in the 21st century. She was on Chapter 11 when I got here on Friday. I spent all day yesterday reading to catch up. After reading chapter 8 ("The sense of callings") I was ready to throw the book at AJ and explode. All of the emotions of the past 2 months found their way out of me in one explosive case of word-vomit. I was speaking loudly, talking nonsense, making excuses, and crying. All the while I was trying to process everything going through my head, the stirrings and wrestlings, as AJ is throwing her 2 cents at me. Let me just say I didn't want to hear what she was saying. However, God did.

I felt better after getting it all out.

This morning, I woke up and spent some time on my face before the Lord. I was literally lying facedown as I listened to some of my favorite worship songs. I hadn't done that for a while. It was good. It was SO good. I felt like my thoughts were clear. I felt like I had regained a grasp on what is truly important in my life. I felt blessed, truly blessed, to be a single 29-year-old woman. This is something I haven't felt for a few months. And it was good.

AJ and I talked over some fantastic coffee this morning. We sat and just shared our thoughts. We were studying the Word, reading, journaling, and just investing in one another's lives. I don't do that too often with a fellow single. And I was blessed. I cannot describe how my heart felt. I just felt blessed. She had to work today, at Starbucks, so I brought stuff to do. Number one on the To-Do list was finish the book. AJ hooked me up with a french press of coffee and I got myself comfy and read. I finished the book. I wrote down so much from the book and just let God do His thing.

For the first time in months, I felt like God was present in my life. Present and working! My heart feels healed. My mind has a clearer focus. I want to share my closing thoughts after finishing this book:

That was ALOT to read and deal with in a VERY short amount of time. I definitely was not prepared to process it all, but it was good. I've spent more time with the Lord in 2 days than I have in weeks! It really reminded me of what is important. The important thing for me, right now in life, is to live in the comfort of the truth and love of Jesus. For Pete's sake, He gave his life for me. ME....I can't comprehend it, but it's okay. There is a gift of love, unconditional love that is available to me 24/7! Too often I get wrapped up in not having a "tangible" person to love me. Rather than realizing that God's love is incredibly tangible...it just doesn't always come in the form I want it to.

God's blessings don't always come in the form that we want. For that, I am ever so greatful. His form is always better than what I expected!

Single Living

I bought a house almost 5 months ago! I was super excited (and still am) to be a home-owner. It is the first time I have ever lived completely on my own: no parents, no roomies, no animals. It's just me. And I love it.....most of the time.

I guess the "I live totally by myself" thought hit me about a month and a half ago. It is quite the realization in all honesty. I am completely dependent upon myself. I don't have anyone to come home and gripe to on a bad day. I don't have anyone to come home and celebrate those super great days. I don't have anyone to talk to at home after a day of conversing with 10 and 11-year-olds. It is just me.

I get a little lonely.

Then I get down in the dumps.

Then I have my own, private, pity party.

And I don't feel any better.

I am a relationship person. I enjoy the relationships in my life. I enjoy investing in the lives of my family, friends, and students. I feel alive when I am with others.

I have gotten pretty honked at God about my single living. "Why can't you give me a husband? Why are all of my close friends so far away? Why have you done this to me?!" These go through my head a few times a week.

And do you know how God replies?....

"Why can't you let me be enough for you?"

"Why don't you consider me a close friend?"

"Why have you done this to me?!"

Case in point....I'm not leaning on my Heavenly Father the way I need to. Maybe this season is meant for me to learn to be totally reliant upon HIM. Maybe this season is to teach me that God is all I need. Maybe this season is for putting God back at the forefront of who I am.

So, I am going to work on that. I am going to work on chatting with Him daily. I am going to work on making Him closer than a friend. I am going to work on Him being my everything.

I love you but.....

Do you ever feel this way about people? Do you put conditions on your love for others? Boy, I sure do. It is so hard not to, but God always opens my eyes.

I'm leading a new Bible study of 7th grade girls. We meet on Monday nights and are studying the Bible. There are 4 girls and I love them to pieces. I really look forward to Monday nights and the questions they will have, the scripture we are studying, and just being a part of their lives.

BUT........

I find that my human-ness gets easily frustrated. We had a sleepover. They totally did the teenager thing and destroyed my house. Nothing was broken or damaged, it just looked like a tornado had ravaged the inside of my house. And I found myself thinking, "I love you girls but could you seriously not be such pigs?!" I was really upset about it when they left Saturday.

So, I had the rest of the weekend to clean up and stew in my frustration. I prayed about how to address this issue. I vented to a few people. I went to God with questions. Was this really something I was ready for again?

Tonight, I talked to the girls. I addressed it out of love for them. You see, I am leading a Bible study. But I also want to be a good example to each of these girls - show them some lifeskills, help them grow in respect, and let them into my life. It is so hard, there is a fine line, and "I love you but...."

Yes I need to love on these girls, but I also need to be a role-model. I have been praying that my life would be a good model for them. That I can be someone they look up to. That they will see Jesus at work in and through me.

12 Years

It was exactly 12 years, 3 hours, and 36 minutes ago that I gave my life to Jesus. I was laying on the couch in Sara Frantz's living room. I had been going to a Bible study for about a year and attending Milford Christian Church. I had spent a year learning, questioning, fighting, searching, and growing. I don't think I will ever forget the final statement that turned the light on in my brain. Sara looked at me and said, "Let's say you accept Jesus, he isn't real, you die, and rot 6 feet under for ever. OR, let's say you accept Jesus, he is real, and you spend eternity in a place noone can even imagine." I let that all sink in deep and was silent for about 10 minutes. Finally at 4:00 am on October 30, 1997 I gave my life to Jesus. It was the turning point of my heart and soul.

12 years later, looking back, I cannot believe the places God has taken me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I wanted to share a list with you all to commemorate this day. It is a "12 things that I wouldn't have dreamed of having done before I gave my life to Jesus" list.

1. Going to Zimbabwe to work with a missionary serving AIDS orphans.
2. Leading a Bible study for 5.5 years.
3. Leading worship.
4. Talking to my dad about God.
5. Counseling at church camp (twice so far).
6. Leading others to Christ.
7. Starting a new Bible study of 7th graders.
8. Studying my Bible.
9. Laying hands on someone to pray.
10. Being single virgin at the age of 29.
11. Impacting the lives of teens for Jesus.
12. Speaking to others about my struggles.

I am blessed beyond words to be where I am today. I give all that glory to God, the Maker of heaven and earth. He used HIS people to get the message to me. For those people, I will forever be grateful. They never gave up on me just as Jesus would never give up on me.

This is a pretty joyful day for me and has been for the past 12 years. I'm reminded of the excitement as I woke up to go to basketball practice, 12 years ago, and tell my best friend what I had done. That same excitement creeps up in me every October 30th and I pray that it will continue to do that. That I will be reminded, not just on October 30th, every day the excitement that comes from knowing that I am a child of the Most High.

Psalm 118:14 "The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

Making an Impact

I woke up at 5:45 this morning. If you will note the date of this post you will see that it is SATURDAY....and I didn't need to get up for anything.

Or so I thought.....

I woke up to find Mr. Holland's Opus on one of my movie channels. I love this movie. I love the message, I love the music, but I love it most because it is about a teacher. As I watched, I was moved to tears several times (if you haven't seen it, you should). I really began to reflect on myself and the talents and gifts that God has blessed me with.

I have the pleasure of working with kids, lots of kids. I am around kids ages 5-18 on a daily basis (and adults for that matter). It is the joy of being a teacher and youth volunteer. I am constantly interacting, teaching, talking, serving, and loving on kids. I have come to realize that God has molded me to be this person, a person of impact. Why he chose me, I will never understand, but he did. And for this I am blessed beyond measure.

Each day that I step into life I have an opportunity. We all do. God gives us each day to make an impact. The impact we make can send someone in the right or wrong direction. It can build them up or crush them. It can spur them on or stop them dead in their tracks. It can love or hate.

At the school where I work we begin each day with a moment of silence. My moment of silence is my time to pray: Jesus, help me to love these kids as you have so graciously loved me. It's nothing wordy, but it is the same every day. I am amazed at how God comes through each and every day.

Right now I have a student teacher and I am out of my classroom a lot. But, it has allowed me to interact with other students and teachers. It has allowed me to model for others. It has allowed me to see the impact that I have.

How are you impacting people? I would love to hear and pray for you.

I'll Pray for You

You've said that little 4-word phrase a gajillion times, haven't you? Me too. I actually said it this morning to a dear friend while chatting.

I'll pray for you.

OR

I will pray for your situation.

OR

I will have my _____________ (insert group name here) group from church pray about that for you.

I'm smirking as I recall the numerous times I have said this phrase and DIDN'T follow through.

I'll pray for you. When we say that, we are making a pretty important promise to someone. We are given an opportunity to minister or not. I'll pray for you means something when you are on the receiving end of the phrase. It means "hey, I care about you and know that God will get you through." Or "I have compassion on what you are going through my friend and I will present your request to God." OR "I know that the God I serve can help you through this and I am going to pray for you."

A specific verse comes to mind as I think about prayer. Phil 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (emphasis mine)

Did you let that verse sink in? If not, go back and reread it, allowing the words to settle deep within you. Did you do it this time? Did you see the 2 key words there?

with thanksgiving....

What a splendid display of God's grace that we get to come to him in prayer WHENEVER WE WANT TO! When we say, "I'll pray for you, " we are expressing our gratitude to God for the fact that we can come to him WHENEVER WE WANT TO because of the door that was opened through the death of his son on the cross.

I'll pray for you is not to be said lightly. When we say this we need to understand what that phrase truly is saying to the person. Most importantly, we need to follow through.

Here's my challenge to us all, myself included. The next time we say, "I'll pray for you, " do it right then and there. Pray with the person. Pull our car over to the side of the road and present that prayer, with thanksgiving, to God. Turn off the TV, close the computer screen, put down the book, close your Bible...STOP what we are doing and present that request to God. Whatever we do, we NEED TO FOLLOW THROUGH.

I Miss Running

hahahaha....I'm cracking up at my title because I honestly never thought that phrase would come out of ME!!!

I have been sick since Sunday and haven't been able to run for 4 days. If you've been keeping up with me you know that I started running about a month ago. I have worked my way up to a little over 1 mile at a time. My goal is to run around Syracuse Lake (5 miles) by next summer. So, I have been running 4-6 days a week. Being sick with sinus grossness tends to keep one from being able to breathe while sitting down, let alone while running.

And I miss running. I miss that 20 minutes of worship each day. I miss being outside. I miss that good sweat! I miss the time that I talk to Jesus. I miss the exhilirating feeling when I finish my run. I just miss it.

It is amazing how we are such creatures of habit. I am anxious to get back into my new habit. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.

I love this Psalm! It is so beautiful and it has been my prayer for a while now. When I say prayer, I mean that literally. I have been praying this Psalm to the Lord for a few months, not every day, but often. I love how The Message says verse 1..."God, invesitgate my life; get all the facts firsthand." WOW!!! There is no other that can do that. God is the ONLY one who can fully investigate our lives. He is the only one who knows us inside and out, before and behind, forever. I've been trying to wrap my mind around that....the infinite-ness of God.

Verses 13-16 are a constant reminder to me of my identity. It is in God, the maker and creator of me. He designed me exactly for HIS purpose. I have not been feeling this for the past few days. I really struggle to see myself through God's eyes. I see my self through blinders and lies. Blinders that hinder me to see the beauty of God that comes through my life. Lies that I am nothing and never will be, that no one wants me.

Moment of complete bareness for you readers:

Tuesday night was one of the lowest points I have reached in a long time. I have been running like crazy and working so hard to lose some weight. My clothes are noticeably looser, I feel better than I have since highschool bball, people have made comments about "the weight you must be losing". So, I braved the scale.......there it was, 258.6. I hated it! I was instantly fuming. I'm sure my blood pressure went through the roof!!!! I have been seeing numbers at or close to 260 for almost 2 years now every time I step on the scale. I have been working my BUTT off. I have spent money to go to the doctor and have tests done. I have completely changed my eating habits. I have begged and pleaded on my knees to the Lord to take this burden of weight from me. Then, I get on that stupid scale and am crushed. There is just no other word for how I felt physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I left school and cried....wept.....heaved.....lost my breathe in sorrow. I felt completely helpless and didn't know what to do.

I sent a text to 3 friends that said, "got on the scale today. no change to the weight. crying." Here is what I got back.....Jenna said, "I can imagine it is rough. I am praying for you. I think you are beautiful and you are amazing! Keep working hard" AJ said, "Don't let the enemy deafeat or discourage you...God is beyond any scale. You are loved friend!" Jamie called me just to make sure I was okay and to affirm me. Those were enough to get me moving and go for a run. And I ran hard....I was pissed!!!! I listened to my music, I ran hard, I repeated the words of my friends to myself over and over.

Later that night I journaled and was honest with myself and God. I can't really explain how I felt other than to say that I was overcome with a peace. A peace that can only come from God and the words of Psalm 139 filled me. I am a creation of the Most High. Nothing in my life can defeat HIM! No scale, no weight, no lie, no person can ever take that away from me. And I went to sleep.

Yes, it is a struggle. Yes, the lies are almost too much some days. Yes, the tears come easily most days. Yes, I stumble into the pit of lies. BUT MY GOD IS STRONG ENOUGH AND BIG ENOUGH TO PICK ME UP AND CARRY ME INTO HIS SAFETY.

"I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.....I know that full well."

Hmmmm......

It's Saturday afternoon....2:10pm.....I'm still in my pj's. I've been up for 4 hours. There is a movie on, laundry going, and a computer on my lap.

I've been catching up on my blog reading and a thought popped into my head. I can spend HOURS reading blogs, "stalking" peeps on facebook, searching sports news, emailing, and just wasting time on the internet.

I LOVE to read. I'm finishing the Chronicles of Narnia, reading through some professional books, and catching up on everything listed above. But, one thing I don't read much is my Bible.

Why is that? Why is it I can spend so much time, hours sometimes, reading everything but the ONE thing we need to read? I'm not doggin reading other stuff, but God's word is the "instruction manual" it is the book that can answer everything. There are lessons to be learned, people I can relate to. And amazing accounts of some incredible things that have happened. Sounds so interesting, but I can't manage to read it with the excitement that I read other things.

I go through phases whre I can't get enough of the Word, but they fade and I notice that tons of time has passed since I last picked it up. I'm in that place right now. It's a tough place to be too. So much of me wants to want to read my Bible. I just find that I fill my time with other things.

Hmmmm......have you ever found yourself in this position?