Monday, November 03, 2008

In the Midst of Crap

The title came so easily because that is where I am. But the words aren't coming out (my appologies if this is a little scattered as I get things out).

If you are reading this and wondering what the stink is wrong with Dina, please read the previous post - it gives a little background. Yes I am doing so much better and am slowly coming out of a self-deficating pit, but it is not easy. I feel like I climb and can almost see out of the pit and then I slip and fall back down. It is amazing how God is right there though. I'm speechless most of the time to think about just how God is 24/7 involved in my daily life.

Still, I find myself in the midst of crap. But, I am encouraged. I just had Fall Break from school - total blessing. I spent 4 days driving around the great state of Indiana and visiting so many people.

Wednesday night I got my hair cut and colored by my dear friend Erin. So good to spend time with her and share my struggles and joys. She is such an encouragement and just pours out the love on me. I needed that. Afterwards I hung out with AJ at B-dub's. It was encouraging to know that I am not alone in my struggles and questions and frustrations.

I had lunch with my old roomie. First we hugged and cried just because we miss each other so much. We spent 2 hours catching up and sharing all that God is doing in our lives. Both of us are dealing with BIG things, but it was so encouraging to know that God is right there in the center of it all...growing us, shaping us, molding us for HIS divine purpose.

Next I traveled to Huntington University and Taylor University to visit 2 of my girls. Nothing could have made my break better (but it got better). I got to hug them and see their lives and meet their friends and just be loved on. I shared what's been going on with me and they just loved and encouraged. ....So good!

Friday I had lunch with another friend, Jamie. We just spent time laughing and hangin out. I love her so much.

Then I headed for Indy to see Jenna. She and I just met this summer at camp and hit it off. We met up with another friend from camp, went out to eat, saw a movie and just hung out. Saturday she studied for school and I did school work. Then we ate pizza, watched a movie, and just enjoyed the company of each other.

So, you are probably wondering about my title as of this minute. This all seems well and good and it was! Please don't read this and think that my weekend was such crap. It was so good. But, Saturday night I fell back into an old habbit. At the time it was fun and I can look back and say that I had a good time, but I know that God was not glorified. I know that I wasn't being Jesus to so many people that don't know him. And I slipped back into the pit.

So, I'm in the midst of crap. Personally - I'm dealing with losing weight. I have been working out with a personal trainer, eating better, and running (which I absolutely despise) only to get on the scale and see a 6lb gain tonight. Nothing breaks me more than that. It hurts deep down in places that I didn't think could hurt. And now I face the challenge of the morning...get up, get ready, and look myself in the face and tell myself that I am beautiful. Some guy is out there who will think that of me. And then I put on my happy face and go into my day. Spiritually - I'm wrestling so much with God right now. My days are filled with highs and lows. I struggle to believe the promises that I know to be true. I wonder if God really is hearing my cries for help, saving, love. Emotionally - I am drained at the end of each day. I pour myself into teaching, and it has been good. I work out with such anger and feel some release doing that. I feel like I constantly have a well of tears ready to spill over.

In the midst of crap. . . I'm encouraged to know that this is a season. And I'm encouraged to know that these trials, crap, will strengthen me. And I know that God must have a huge plan in store and that satan is attacking in new ways. All this I know, but it doesn't make the crap easier, just more real.

1 Peter 5:8-9 "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings."


darcy said...

I love you. Are you ready for some Darcy and the cutest little 18month old EVER time? I'm calling you...

jenn said...

pour it out dina...pour it out!!! my heart breaks when you face such a time, but i know God is there and i know His grace is sufficient. you know exactly how i feel about you and how i see you, so i am not going to spend time sharing it here, but i'm crying for you and wrapping you, covering you, and pouring over you not only with prayer that God's presence AWAKEN you, but with my absolute love for you! you are my faaabulous sister!!! love ya oodles...m.e.

Niki said...

You rock lady! Just keep hanging on and hanging in there for that reward that is coming to you! Gal 6:9 encouraged me lately and I hope it will you...I know the place of CRAP ever so well and I hope that your load feels a little lighter at times b/c when I think of you and pray for you I hurt with you and hopefully can carry some of that load for you. The Devil is hitting you hard b/c he knows it takes a lot to get to a strong christian like you! Jesus promised that we belong to the Father and no one can pluck us out of His hand. Nothing can destroy us, or cause us to perish, Jesus said. (John 10:27-28)

shiloh said...

Hi Dina! I was so excited to hear from you:) I got to tell you, Jake loved you as a teacher...I love that you had such a special role in his life, thanks! I wanted to tell you about a book I think you might enjoy and find helpful. It's by Max Lucado (one of my favs) and it's called God's Roadmap For New Beginnings: Let the journey begin. Check it out if you get a chance!
take care,shiloh

Robin said...

You are in a time of Refinement. To be a precious gem we have to be molded. That molding is painful because it's smoothing out all the rough spots. I already think you are a beautiful, precious gem, God sees you that way too. I'm so proud of your personal, spiritual and physical growth, it's very evident and visible. See yourself as you want to be and it will happen. I believe you already are what God created you to be, you just have to figure out how to receive it, like a gift from your best friend. Love you...Roblin

Anonymous said...

You have so many amazing qualities about you. My favorite is simply your brighten my day every time I see you. Good things happen to good people and you are good people, dinobobina! see ya in a week. xoxoxox, andrea