Sunday, October 26, 2008


October 21, 2008

I'm so blah....I don't even know what I am. I'm angry, bitter, alone, selfish, hungry, needing, fat, ugly. Did I mention alone?! I hate getting to this point. More than that, I hate how I can't focus on God. I am so focued on me right now that all I see is me. And my image of myself freakin sucks! So I'm beginning to realize that because all I see is me, and "me" is not very pleasing right now, I am struggling to find any hope at all.

Bible study was the most uncomfortable place I have ever been tonight. But, so much of it resonates in me. I know that is God digging in so why do I keep pushing back? Why can't I just surrender, back down? For the love of Pete, why can't I just let God do His thing? Ahhhh......

Well, it all goes back to me. Like a hall of mirrors where you get lost and the only thing you can see is your own, distorted self . Yuck!

I want to change me but I have to look at why. Do I want to change because me isn't glorifying God? Or because I want to be surrounded by a better me?

Seriously looking at me tonight (couldn't be avoided), I realized a huge fear...that I will never be desireable to anyone. That really sucks to realize such a fear as that. But it is me and it is very real to me.

Such a crappy pit to be in. Especially when I can't seem to find a way out.

Today, October 26, 2008

This was me just 5 days ago (actually I was still feeling this way as of Friday night when I went to bed). I know I am not the only person to be in a pit. But, here is the really cool part. God did not leave me there. He was there all along waiting for the right moment to grab me. And He did just that. As I closed my eyes to go to sleep Friday, I was overwhelmed with clear vision. My eyes were opened to the pit that I had allowed myself to get into. He let me see where I had taken my life and it was not good. Then, in all of HIS redemptive glory, he scooped me up, cradled me in HIS arms, and loved me right where I was.

I am overjoyed to say that I love GOD! That's right, you heard me, I LOVE GOD! I have never known another being to love me right in the midst of a pit of crap that I have jumped into. I have never experienced mercy and grace to the extent I have this weekend. I have never seen so clearly as I do right now. And I have never, without a doubt, believed that God has/does/will always have my best in HIS plans. What an awesome God!

So, praise be to Jesus Christ for his sacrifice. May HE get all the glory for this amazing weekend, my life renewal, and the overwhelming love that is pouring out of me.


Niki said...

I'm sorry for what you were feeling on the 21st and me, you're not alone and I feel that same pain with you!!! I'm so grateful that you are feeling better now and I know you are 100% right, that when we focus too much on ourselves and how UNcapable we are without God then we look like the biggest mess to hit this place.....but thankfully you have HIM and He delivers and saves and wipes the slate clean!! Thankfully he LOVES us inspite of ourselves and THANKFULLY He made you!!! I totally needed to know I wasn't alone either :) Thanks!

jenn said...

wow, we do have a lot to catch up on! praise God for clearer vision. He calls you His dina! and that is simply beautiful! love ya oodles..m.e.

Angela said...

I love you and miss you!! You are so great. Thanks for sharing. I know it's hard. Love you!

Ponz and Lil Ponz said...

I think maybe you need some Ponsler time. Maybe you can come visit soon. We would love to have you. I hope all is getting better. Praying for you!

Dina said...

i would love a visit to see the Ponslers! Yes, things are so much better. Satan definitely knows where to attack, but my God is so much bigger and knows how to protect. Love you and we'll be in touch!!!!