Today was a day where, if you know me very well, you could probably tell that I'm not alright. Now I am VERY GOOD at putting up a great front. And my day was all-around good. But I am not alright right now. I am lonely, worn out, and battling the world.
The "world" seems to think that I have a disease called singleness. According to the world, primarily the midwest, this is a nasty disease that must have some underlying explanation. This disease warrants the ever-so-famous "I'm sorry," or "there's GOT to be someone for you," or (my favorite) "no one is good enough for you?!" Ugh...it is exhausting. I am okay 95% of the time.
However, today falls into that 5% of not being ok. I'm tired of wondering if I am doing something wrong. I'm tired of wondering when my day will come. I'm tired of this longing in my heart to minister in ways that are not possible outside of marriage. I am tired of being lonely. I am tired of putting on a happy face when my insides are absolutely crushed.
I'm not alright today. And I think it is perfectly ok to have this day. I know tomorrow is a new day. I know that I don't have a disease. I know that the world is fighting for my soul. But I know who I am and WHOSE I am. My soul is spoken for. And HE knows that I am not alright today. And I know that HE will give me peace.
Here is the song that I am clinging to today. "I'm not alright" by Sanctus Real. You can watch the music video here. This is the chorus:
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You
It leads me to You
3 comments:
Wow...I love this honest outpouring! You are right, even when we put on a front, we can't hide our hearts from God! He knows you inside and out! I am sending a big ol' hug your way and two little munchkin hugs too! Love you!!!!
Dina- thank you for your honesty. It's a hard thing to put out there but I'm so glad that it's only 5% for you! Love you my friend and am praying that you get yourself back towards 95% quickly, BUT.. there is no shame in being on the other side for however long you need to be!
Dina, I read your blog with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I could feel the pain you were (I hope it's were by now) going through. I am also glad you were honest. Your post enabled me to "walk in your shoes" and understand your feelings. You give so much to others with teaching and mentoring and so many people love you. Thank you for sharing.
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