let the truth be known...

I consider myself a very honest person. If you ask how I am, I will tell you. If you ask if something is wrong, I will tell you. Today this happened...several times.

I am in a funk. I don't know how else to describe it. I am totally myself, but it is the self that not many people see and I can't hide it right now. It has made me very vulnerable, it makes others uncomfortable, and everyone seems to want to fix it. I'm not a fan of being in a funk but I know that it is part of my walk. I don't like others to see the insecure me, unless I want them to. But right now I can't seem to hide that from those who know me.

I was grateful for a few people that I crossed paths with today. One was a former teacher who I saw at church. She said, "Hey, how are you?" I replied, "I'm ok." She got a semi-concerned look on her face and said, "Are you ok?" To which I replied, "I'm just in a funk lately." And that was that. No pity look, no remorsefulness, no quick fix....AND FOR THAT I WAS SO BLESSED. Another person is a friend that I haven't talked to for a while. She called to talk about humidifiers and asked how I was doing. I could tell her exactly how I am...lonely, hurting, frustrated with some things at school, in a funk. And she just encouraged me. Another friend and I were emailing back and forth and she asked where I had been going to church lately. I told her that this whole church hunting is wearing on me right now and that satan is attacking. She didn't try to solve anything, she just encouraged me that this is a season and God will use it.

I'm going to be honest (like I always am).....Sometimes we just have a "bad" day, or don't want to put on our happy shield, or are going through a season in life where IT IS OK TO NOT HAVE THE PERKY ATTITUDE! I'm not going to lie to someone when they ask how I am, just to avoid an awkward moment. I want to be honest. I want to be real. My honesty may encourage someone else to know that it's ok not to "have it all together" every moment of every day.

News flash: I AM A HUMAN BEING and God tells me I will go through trying times. My walk is not perfect, nor am I. But my God is perfect, His love endures all, and His timing is best for me. So, I am going to embrace this funk. I am going to be honest with people that I am hurting right now. And I am going to continue clinging to my heavenly Father, knowing that He has be in His hands.

I'm Not Alright!

Today was a day where, if you know me very well, you could probably tell that I'm not alright. Now I am VERY GOOD at putting up a great front. And my day was all-around good. But I am not alright right now. I am lonely, worn out, and battling the world.

The "world" seems to think that I have a disease called singleness. According to the world, primarily the midwest, this is a nasty disease that must have some underlying explanation. This disease warrants the ever-so-famous "I'm sorry," or "there's GOT to be someone for you," or (my favorite) "no one is good enough for you?!" Ugh...it is exhausting. I am okay 95% of the time.

However, today falls into that 5% of not being ok. I'm tired of wondering if I am doing something wrong. I'm tired of wondering when my day will come. I'm tired of this longing in my heart to minister in ways that are not possible outside of marriage. I am tired of being lonely. I am tired of putting on a happy face when my insides are absolutely crushed.

I'm not alright today. And I think it is perfectly ok to have this day. I know tomorrow is a new day. I know that I don't have a disease. I know that the world is fighting for my soul. But I know who I am and WHOSE I am. My soul is spoken for. And HE knows that I am not alright today. And I know that HE will give me peace.

Here is the song that I am clinging to today. "I'm not alright" by Sanctus Real. You can watch the music video here. This is the chorus:
I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
Broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to You
It leads me to You

Unexpected Day!

Thank you God for today. School was closed today due to crappy roads and I was happy. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY JOB! But today, I just needed a day.

I have been going going going....blogging, reading, grading, teaching, visiting friends, coaching, church hunting.... I needed a day for me. I really do love being busy, but sometimes I forget how great a day off is.

And, I had a minor melt down last night. I have been very lonely lately. For the most part, it has been a good lonely. However, sometimes I find that satan works his grimy, snarling hooks into the good and twists it with lies. Last night, I couldn't fight anymore and cried for a good hour. I am just finding that this season of life is TOUGH! I am in-between churches, lacking community, and wonder if God is going to do anything about it.

Then, I get today. I had my quiet time (read about it here ), drank some coffee, relaxed on the couch with Linus, worked on some fun things, and stayed in my jammies and glasses! It was much needed. And it reminded me that God is fully aware of me and my life and my struggles and my needs.

Thank you, God, for today.

Hoarfrost

hoarfrost: frozen dew that forms a white coating on a surface. Also called white frost.

Did you see it this morning? It was everywhere and it was absolutely breath-taking! I couldn't help but wonder if that was just for me. I know it's a selfish thing to think, but I thought it.

Do you ever have those moments when you pray with all your might that God would do something JUST FOR YOU? Something to affirm that He hears you? Something that is specific to who you are as a person?

Hoarfrost was my answer this morning. God knows me. He knows that I notice creation. He knows that I LOVE snow. He knows that frost like this morning's melts me.

And to HIM I give the glory.

The Start of Something

I'm starting the new year with 2, yes 2, daily "things" and a NEW blog, 365 Days of 2011, that you can view here.

I know it is rather cliche' to start new things with a new year, but it makes sense. I mean, it is a NEW year so why not start something NEW. Seriously it's a no-brainer!

So, what are my new things you ask.... Well I have vowed to take a picture every day. I am also reading through the Bible, one day at a time, for the entire year!!! I have 4 chapters down and a lot more to go.

Why, you ask, did I decide these 2 things. I'll tell you..... Reading through the Bible in a year is something I have always wanted to try. So much so that I have attempted it at least 4 times before this. This time is different. I have a deep down desire to do this, to develop discipline, to spend daily time in the Word. The pictures, well I have a great camera and I just don't use it enough. So I am challenging myself to take a picture every day. I am by no means a photographer, but I like to take pics.

There you have it. The start of something new. I am going to try to be more consistent about posting on here too. So, feel free to hassle me if I am not.

Much love to you who read and HAPPY 2011!

Lessons Learned in "Twenty Ten"

I've been rather reminiscent this Christmas Break. It has been very good, very healing, and very encouraging. I don't know if I am the only one who does this (I'm guessing I'm not alone), but I always take time to think back through my year. I journaled some of my thoughts:

This has been a good year, strange, but good. I've grown (mostly in the past 3 months). I've learned by my mistakes that God is SO good, gracious, and protecting.

I've learned that I am worthy of love and pursuit.

I've learned that my body is a temple/dwelling of God and I need to take better care - physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I've been reminded of the amazing friends that have been put in my life. I'm not sure I could have made it through some days without their love, concern, and prayers.

I've learned that I go through seasons in life. They are part of HIS plan and will grow me.

I've learned that it is IMPOSSIBLE to please everyone. No matter the intentions, someone will be upset.

I've learned that I am a strong woman. Heartache and pain have pushed me to seek out strength from the Lord. Strength. His strength can get me through the toughest of times.

I've learned that I really desire to be a wife and mom. It is not just a girlish dream. It is deep in my heart for HIS kingdom

I've learned that God is the only one I can trust 100% with my heart. Anyone else is a risk, but those risks must be taken.

I've learned that I am going to mess up, BIG TIME! But God can and will redeem me when I come to Him.

I've learned that I'm glad this isn't the end for me. I have a wonderful life, but it comes with pain. I'm anxious for the day when I am truly home...for eternity...with my Savior.

It truly has been a good year. I am looking forward to the next year. Where will God take me?

How many times have you prayed "THE PRAYER"

It usually starts like this:

"If there is anyone here today that doesn't know Jesus, I want you to pray this simple prayer with me." -pastor

I will admit, I have prayed that prayer EVERY time I hear those words at the end of a message. I gave my heart to Jesus over 13 years ago! But I never fail to pray that prayer. And I always wonder WHY I feel the need to pray it. I know where I am with Jesus. I know that I have personal relationship. And I KNOW him. But I just can't stop myself.

Yesterday morning I was catching up on the sermon series "REBEL" from Grace Community Church. I was in tears the entire time. At the end of the message, during prayer, Pastor Jim said those words from the beginning of this post. I found myself sitting at my desk, tears falling to the desktop, arms wide open, praying that prayer. The prayer of salvation.

Why do we....maybe it's just me....but why do I do this? Is it uncertainty in my salvation? Is it support for those who are praying for the FIRST time? Is it so that those around me hear me?

No.
No.
No.

I'll tell you why I do this.

Matthew 16:24 "Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'"

Luke 9:23 "Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, eh must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'"

John 12:25-26 "'The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.'"

We are called to DAILY surrender ourselves to God and HIS good, pleasing, and perfect will. THE PRAYER should be a daily prayer for believers; confessing our sin, acknowledging the need for Jesus to intercede in our lives, humbling ourselves before the Creator of all that is.

Pastor Jim's message made me look at things a little bit different, see things in a new way. Be blessed this day, the day of Jesus's birth. Not because a precious, cute baby was born but because the Savior of the world was delivered to earth. He was born and had a mission...a mission to live, minister, love, proclaim God, be an example, serve, die, and rise to live FOREVER.

this morning

Here is my view this morning....


The snow is beginning to fall. I am catching up on stuff....email, Facebook, blog reading, sermon watching, stuff. As I was reading my friend Marah's blog I came across this video. It was a good reminder for me.

I have struggled this year with the "stuff" of Christmas. For those of you who know me, that is not normal. I find pure joy in giving to others. I don't know if it is financial issues. I don't know if it is because of the season of life. I don't know if God is really trying to dig into my heart. I just want to spend time with people. That would make me happier than giving gifts. Time would make me happier than getting gifts. Time is what I want to give this year.

This video got me thinking about Christmas. What is it that I truly love about the Christmas season?

I love that Jesus is EVERYWHERE! Seriously, this is HIS birthday celebration.
I see so many of the people that don't live close by as they come home to be with family.
Christmas music!!!!
I spend loads of time with my family.
Being at home with my puppy (new for me this year).
Opening my home for friends to come over and visit. This truly makes my heart happy.
This year - SNOW!!!!!

None of that has to do with buying things. None of it has to do with getting stuff. Don't get me wrong, that is all good, but this time of year is SO MUCH MORE than all of that!

Jesus truly is the reason for this time. It is named after HIM, for HIM, in honor of HIM. We should be like HIM and give this season. We should be like HIM and rejoice in our Heavenly Father this season. We should be like HIM and consider those less fortunate.

Those are just my thoughts this morning as I sit and catch up on the stuff of my life. I am ever grateful for the life that I have. I am blessed by the snow that is falling. I am humbled that God sent his Son to earth over 2000 years ago so that I could be in this moment this morning, in awe of what I have because of what HE gave.

Running

Nope I'm not physically running. Tried that and learned that running is not for me! I pretty much knew this about myself but I can be challenged into trying almost anything. I lost the challenge.

No, the running I'm talking about is running to Jesus.

I have had a new experience in the past month. You see, when life doesn't work out the way I think it should I tend to get angry and run away from God. I listen to the lies that God doesn't care and that I'm not good enough for God and that what I want doesn't matter at all.

But the past month has been much different. In the midst of confusion and hurt and not understanding why things are happening, I found myself running to Jesus! I can't get enough of HIM. HE is what helps me get through each day. HE is teaching me. HE is loving me. HE is revealing things about scripture, about who I am created to be, about time. HE is what I am clinging to.

I don't have the answers that I want. But, I am learning more and more every day that God has the answers that He wants for my life. My only job in all of this is to trust, in faith, that God knows best for me.

I am currently engulfed in our women's Bible study at church: Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed; A Study of David by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore, and Kay Arthur. There have been some amazing truths revealed to my heart in all of this....

• "If we truly believed the great God of the universe listens intently to the cry of our hearts and responds with power in our circumstances, we would never meet any circumstance without deciding to access the ear of God."

• "Whatever your life entails right now - no matter how far removed it seems from what you expected - HE has anointed you and divinely equipped you to not merely handle it but to thrive in it."

• "When God does something we don't expect, it can shake our faith and cause distrust."

My faith has been shaken! But I have been awakened! The greatest thing I am learning is that God DOES love me, He DOES have a plan for me, and HE will NEVER leave me.

And through all of this I am able to say, "Praise be to God!"

Amen

SLAP you in the face!

I received the proverbial slap in the face this past Sunday as I sat in church. The sermon was on the parable of the lost sheep. You know....the one where Jesus asks the shepherds if they would leave 99 sheep to go find a lost one? Yeah, I have been that lost one. I didn't realize it until the sermon began and my ears and heart opened.

You see, I have conveniently placed God on the backburner. I hadn't totally disregarded my relationship with him, but I had made some choices that clearly were not Christ-like. It never fails, at the moment that I make those choices they never seem like a big deal. But let them build and build upon each other and before I know it.....

SLAP!!!!!

That is exactly what happened. I had been emotional, irritable, grouchy, snappy, and weepy. I had no idea why. Then.....

SLAP!!!!!!

Duh...I had not been investing in my relationship with Christ. Nor had I let Christ into some very important aspects of my life. I wanted control. I thought I knew what was best for Dina. I had everything under control. Then.....

SLAP!!!!!

My world changed and I was lost. I had wandered away and was crying out to be rescued. And that is exactly what God did. He rescued me. Right there in that pew on Sunday morning, he spotted me off in the distance. As the day progressed, he moved in closer, never taking his eye off of me. By Sunday evening God had scooped me up and showered me with love. It was the love of the Father that I had desperately missed and didn't realize until that exact moment.

I know that it isn't always easy to make the "good" choice in some moments. I know that choosing Christ goes totally against the world. I know that choosing Christ can sometimes mean that I stand alone.

But I know that choosing Christ pays off in the end, eternally.

GO!

I was blessed with an opportunity to be on a director team for a week of camp at Camp Adventure. My role was counseling director. I got to work with 23 counselors and 109 jr high students. I also had the privilege of speaking at morning Hillside worship.

Our theme this year was "Facebook Faith" and was very relevant to the kids.

I want to share the final day with you all. This is the day that impacted me the most in preparation for camp, during camp, and continues to dig in my heart.

The daily theme for Friday was "Friend Suggestions". I have no idea how it impacted the students, counselors, or other directors. I do know that God reached right into my heart and challenged me. I just want to share the message with you all, not knowing who may read this. And my prayer is that you are challenged as well.

So, camp is almost over. You are about to go home. What are you gonna tell people at home about camp? Are you gonna talk about all the fun stuff you did? Will you talk about your cabin? Will you tell about your counselors and directors? Will you tell about the new friendships? Are you going to tell people about Jesus?
I know for me, that is usually the last thing I tell people...especially my family. It is so much easier for me to talk about all of the fun stuff verses how my life was impacted by Jesus. Today we are talking about friend suggestions. We have learned about the greatest friend ever this week. Will you suggest HIM to others? In Mark 16:15-16 and Matthew 28:19-20 we are commanded to GO tell the world about Jesus. We aren't told to tell them about the Blob or paintball or high ropes or messy games. We are commanded to GO and tell them "the good news"....that's Jesus.
If you go home and never mention what you learned about Jesus, then we did not do the ministry that we, as directors and counselors, we called to do. If you leave camp and didn't see the love of Jesus, then camp was unsuccessful.
Jesus is the reason that we are all here. He is the reason that we have this camp. He is the reason for the fun, your cabins, the counselors and directors, and the friendships. Will you go? Will you GO and tell people about Jesus?

I'm challenged! And I took the challenge to heart. I made sure to tell everyone who asked, about my Jesus experience at camp. It was tough! It was toughest when it was my unbelieving family members and friends who knew I was at camp. But I did it!!!!

So, I ask you....Will you GO and tell people about Jesus? Will you tell your family? your friends? your classmates? your co-workers? your wives/husbands? your neighbors? Who in your life needs to know about the friend that you have in Jesus?

GO and tell them!